Over the last couple of weeks a few of you lovely peeps have enquired as to the current status with Mr Nice. What can I say, Mr Nice is still as nice as ever. It is at this point I can say no more. Whilst I am more than happy to blog about the ridiculous activities which I encounter most days within my own life, I feel I would have questionable ethics to blog about someone in detail who :
a) has not given me permission to
b) has the potential to be something or nothing
c) also reads the blog on occasion ;)
Sorry readers!!
I can say that I have learnt some things about myself along the way and I may blog about these one day x
Monday, 30 April 2012
Wax Lyrical
As most of you will now know, Husband and I split up about six months ago and life has been somewhat interesting ever since. I have taken the opportunity to undertake the cliche of reinventing myself in some ways - personal trainer, Mr Nice, going out (when child care permits), hamster, house rabbit..... etc
There was another area I was keen to explore, am not absolute on why I had not explored this when Toss Pot was still around. I guess it is one of those things that never really crosses your mind when you are comfortable... Also, it could be that with my PT and weight loss (2.5 stone to date), I am more image aware - not in a Barbie sort of sense but more in a "I am not a dowdy fat cow" sort of sense.
So what are we talking about??? The bikini line...
Previously I had always had what I believe is termed the "basic" , what can I say, for some reason, the basic was just not good enough anymore.
Less is more and all that....
So have been a few times now for said beauty treatment - I cannot fathom why this comes under the category of beauty treatment because it certainly does not feel beautiful at the time.....
Any boys reading this, you are in for an eye opener.... you have no idea and I mean NO IDEA what us women go through.....
Firstly, it is advisable to wear very small or no pants when you are going for a wax. Now, I cannot seem to get past the concept of wearing no pants so end up in very small uncomfortable pants (anything smaller than boxer shorts are small uncomfortable pants for me). It is of course pointless, small pants or not you end up holding them out of the way of wax anyway...
In some ways it is almost like going for a smear test, in that you have to lie there in your small uncomfortable pants, legs akimbo so that the relevant areas can be accessed - it is not dignified it has to be said.
Wax is put on, wax sets, wax is pulled off...with any hair....it smarts a bit..... some bits more than others...
Muffin does my waxing, Muffin and I get on well and chat a lot when waxing (she does other beauty treatments for me also). However, close call at last waxing session. It is probably advisable not to chat to your beautician as she may forget what she is doing and in her excitement you may lose almost all of it....which is not what you wanted....I should say at this point Muffin is ace and marvelous beautician x
One particularly moment at the last session did see me yelp a bit and in a reflex action I pulled one leg up and over next to the other leg. Which is a problem, when you have a load of wax on which you are waiting to set, because then you get stuck together......
Trying to separate yourself (with the aid of Muffin) when you have become stuck together is not easy and hurts, probably more than the proper waxing itself. Once again dignity is lost.
Similar issues occur when you inadvertently stick your small uncomfortable pants to your nethers and have to try and rip them off....
Straight from waxing went to Rowan's for birthday soiree, arrived at Rowan's and announced that I needed to change my pants (still sporting small uncomfortable pants at this stage)....... possibly not what she was expecting....
There was another area I was keen to explore, am not absolute on why I had not explored this when Toss Pot was still around. I guess it is one of those things that never really crosses your mind when you are comfortable... Also, it could be that with my PT and weight loss (2.5 stone to date), I am more image aware - not in a Barbie sort of sense but more in a "I am not a dowdy fat cow" sort of sense.
So what are we talking about??? The bikini line...
Previously I had always had what I believe is termed the "basic" , what can I say, for some reason, the basic was just not good enough anymore.
Less is more and all that....
So have been a few times now for said beauty treatment - I cannot fathom why this comes under the category of beauty treatment because it certainly does not feel beautiful at the time.....
Any boys reading this, you are in for an eye opener.... you have no idea and I mean NO IDEA what us women go through.....
Firstly, it is advisable to wear very small or no pants when you are going for a wax. Now, I cannot seem to get past the concept of wearing no pants so end up in very small uncomfortable pants (anything smaller than boxer shorts are small uncomfortable pants for me). It is of course pointless, small pants or not you end up holding them out of the way of wax anyway...
In some ways it is almost like going for a smear test, in that you have to lie there in your small uncomfortable pants, legs akimbo so that the relevant areas can be accessed - it is not dignified it has to be said.
Wax is put on, wax sets, wax is pulled off...with any hair....it smarts a bit..... some bits more than others...
Muffin does my waxing, Muffin and I get on well and chat a lot when waxing (she does other beauty treatments for me also). However, close call at last waxing session. It is probably advisable not to chat to your beautician as she may forget what she is doing and in her excitement you may lose almost all of it....which is not what you wanted....I should say at this point Muffin is ace and marvelous beautician x
One particularly moment at the last session did see me yelp a bit and in a reflex action I pulled one leg up and over next to the other leg. Which is a problem, when you have a load of wax on which you are waiting to set, because then you get stuck together......
Trying to separate yourself (with the aid of Muffin) when you have become stuck together is not easy and hurts, probably more than the proper waxing itself. Once again dignity is lost.
Similar issues occur when you inadvertently stick your small uncomfortable pants to your nethers and have to try and rip them off....
Straight from waxing went to Rowan's for birthday soiree, arrived at Rowan's and announced that I needed to change my pants (still sporting small uncomfortable pants at this stage)....... possibly not what she was expecting....
Sunday, 22 April 2012
G Force
I am beginning to understand that all of the men in my life are just irritating, and yet, still we go back for more. The 'man' I am referring to in this post is Willow. Willow is the hamster. Yes I know..... hear me out....
Willow was actually supposed to be a fish. I had had a brilliant idea a while back that Little D may benefit from having something that she could look to take some responsibility for and thought when she was starting school that a fish would be a good idea - I am going to break off here for a bit as I suspect that most other parents have at some point fallen into this trap before. I have certainly been advised not to go down the pet route and yet somehow I chose to ignore this and thought I knew better. Any parents out there who don't yet have a pet, heed this warning...... don't.
Little D and I discussed said fish and she was all up for it, so off we went to the pet shop. First mistake. Pet shops don't just sell fish do they? Second mistake was mummy fail, research had not taken place and what I had not realised was that apparently now (although I am sure it was not like this when I was small and we had fish) you have to buy the tank and set it up for two days before you can add fish. Well this was never going to work was it. Rather unsurprisingly Little D was not particularly taken with the idea of going to get a fish and coming back with an empty tank. How do you explain this to a four year old? How do you explain this to a four year old who is now distracted by the other furry animals, which lets face it, look much cuter than a non existent fish....
So by demonstrating some great parenting discipline we ended up coming back with Willow. I maintain it could have been worse.
For a number of months Willow was fine, easy to look after, a big hit and Little D adores him. I now realise he was in fact conning us all this time and he was in the process of implementing his action plan.
The first issue was not entirely Willow's fault but collusion I suspect between him and Annabel (Annabel is the rabbit. A house rabbit. Yes, we then got a rabbit. I would like to plead insanity on the account that Toss Pot had left and I had temporarily - debatable - lost my mind). Annabel knocked Willow's house on the floor and had loosened one of the tunnels so one afternoon Willow made a break for it. Took me a while to realise he was MIA and I spent most of the day trying to look for him without actually drawing it to the attention of Little D. Did locate him that evening after much muting of the TV as I knew I could hear him somewhere. So he was back and safely deposited in his repaired house.
And then came issue number two..... I was suddenly aware that there was a lot of noisy gnawing coming from Willow's direction, far more than normal. Upon investigation he had eaten through the wall of his house. He was in effect digging an escape tunnel. Surely, they are not supposed to be able to eat their way out of their houses? I had to tape up the hole with some cardboard - I do see the flaw in this plan, in that if he can eat through his house what is cardboard going to do? but I was short of options.
So 3 days and £25 later, new house purchased. Different style of house to try and prevent eating through the house. New house is a type of rota stack where you connect bits with tubes and tunnels. If you don't have a tube or tunnel you have a round plug that you put in the hole and twist to lock. Simples. New house big hit and very secure for a couple of weeks.
One night am in bed and wake up at around 4am to some strange noises. Tried to ignore these as I thought I was probably in dream like state. No. Noises did not stop. OMG there is something in my bedroom. THERE IS SOMETHING CHEWING AND SCRABBLING IN MY BEDROOM. What if it is a mouse or a rat (don't ask me where the rat would come from). I need to turn the light on to find out, but what if it is a rat, what do I then do. Fuck. OK, be brave. Turned the light on and guess what, Willow did a bolt across the bedroom. Really? How on earth?
So I lost him, but at least I knew what it was. I went down to investigate how on earth he has escaped this time. So you remember those plugs that you put in the hole and twist to lock?? Well, it appears over a number of days he had been working one loose and had somehow twisted it to unlock and then made a break for it. Not only that, he had navigated himself down the side of the rabbit cage (his house is on top of Annabel's) and then climbed upstairs to wake me up.
Knowing it was Willow did at least mean that I was able to go back to sleep. It took four days and a war of attrition before I managed to get him back. I left food and his house out over night, in the morning the food was gone but the house was empty (definitely a piss taker), I had to barricade my bedroom door shut at night to stop him coming in (I know he is a hamster but the door does not close properly so he can get in). At one point I had visions of him being one of the actual characters from G Force and running around in night vision goggles and a utility belt..
Anyone one night, I heard him (it was about 1 am), I jumped out of bed and managed to corner him in the spare room, I chased about after him in my pants for a bit and then thought better of it. I shut him in the spare room and retrieved his house and food and left them in the spare room with him. I was really shocked in the morning to find he had gone to sleep in his house......
....I win...... it is a small victory...... but it is my victory and I will continue to feel smug, until the next time.
Incidently, the round plug things, sellotaped on now....... lets see what he comes up with next....
Willow was actually supposed to be a fish. I had had a brilliant idea a while back that Little D may benefit from having something that she could look to take some responsibility for and thought when she was starting school that a fish would be a good idea - I am going to break off here for a bit as I suspect that most other parents have at some point fallen into this trap before. I have certainly been advised not to go down the pet route and yet somehow I chose to ignore this and thought I knew better. Any parents out there who don't yet have a pet, heed this warning...... don't.
Little D and I discussed said fish and she was all up for it, so off we went to the pet shop. First mistake. Pet shops don't just sell fish do they? Second mistake was mummy fail, research had not taken place and what I had not realised was that apparently now (although I am sure it was not like this when I was small and we had fish) you have to buy the tank and set it up for two days before you can add fish. Well this was never going to work was it. Rather unsurprisingly Little D was not particularly taken with the idea of going to get a fish and coming back with an empty tank. How do you explain this to a four year old? How do you explain this to a four year old who is now distracted by the other furry animals, which lets face it, look much cuter than a non existent fish....
So by demonstrating some great parenting discipline we ended up coming back with Willow. I maintain it could have been worse.
For a number of months Willow was fine, easy to look after, a big hit and Little D adores him. I now realise he was in fact conning us all this time and he was in the process of implementing his action plan.
The first issue was not entirely Willow's fault but collusion I suspect between him and Annabel (Annabel is the rabbit. A house rabbit. Yes, we then got a rabbit. I would like to plead insanity on the account that Toss Pot had left and I had temporarily - debatable - lost my mind). Annabel knocked Willow's house on the floor and had loosened one of the tunnels so one afternoon Willow made a break for it. Took me a while to realise he was MIA and I spent most of the day trying to look for him without actually drawing it to the attention of Little D. Did locate him that evening after much muting of the TV as I knew I could hear him somewhere. So he was back and safely deposited in his repaired house.
And then came issue number two..... I was suddenly aware that there was a lot of noisy gnawing coming from Willow's direction, far more than normal. Upon investigation he had eaten through the wall of his house. He was in effect digging an escape tunnel. Surely, they are not supposed to be able to eat their way out of their houses? I had to tape up the hole with some cardboard - I do see the flaw in this plan, in that if he can eat through his house what is cardboard going to do? but I was short of options.
So 3 days and £25 later, new house purchased. Different style of house to try and prevent eating through the house. New house is a type of rota stack where you connect bits with tubes and tunnels. If you don't have a tube or tunnel you have a round plug that you put in the hole and twist to lock. Simples. New house big hit and very secure for a couple of weeks.
One night am in bed and wake up at around 4am to some strange noises. Tried to ignore these as I thought I was probably in dream like state. No. Noises did not stop. OMG there is something in my bedroom. THERE IS SOMETHING CHEWING AND SCRABBLING IN MY BEDROOM. What if it is a mouse or a rat (don't ask me where the rat would come from). I need to turn the light on to find out, but what if it is a rat, what do I then do. Fuck. OK, be brave. Turned the light on and guess what, Willow did a bolt across the bedroom. Really? How on earth?
So I lost him, but at least I knew what it was. I went down to investigate how on earth he has escaped this time. So you remember those plugs that you put in the hole and twist to lock?? Well, it appears over a number of days he had been working one loose and had somehow twisted it to unlock and then made a break for it. Not only that, he had navigated himself down the side of the rabbit cage (his house is on top of Annabel's) and then climbed upstairs to wake me up.
Knowing it was Willow did at least mean that I was able to go back to sleep. It took four days and a war of attrition before I managed to get him back. I left food and his house out over night, in the morning the food was gone but the house was empty (definitely a piss taker), I had to barricade my bedroom door shut at night to stop him coming in (I know he is a hamster but the door does not close properly so he can get in). At one point I had visions of him being one of the actual characters from G Force and running around in night vision goggles and a utility belt..
Anyone one night, I heard him (it was about 1 am), I jumped out of bed and managed to corner him in the spare room, I chased about after him in my pants for a bit and then thought better of it. I shut him in the spare room and retrieved his house and food and left them in the spare room with him. I was really shocked in the morning to find he had gone to sleep in his house......
....I win...... it is a small victory...... but it is my victory and I will continue to feel smug, until the next time.
Incidently, the round plug things, sellotaped on now....... lets see what he comes up with next....
Thursday, 12 April 2012
Out of the mouth of babes
There have been many things which Little D has said over time that I wished she had not - the classic line to the builder about drawing a picture of "you and me and mummy altogether" being one of them.
Friday was no exception to this.
Took Little D to Toss pot's for the day (she was meeting his new girlfriend!). I was wearing a vest top and a cardigan (v mum like I think). Holding Little D in a big hug to say goodbye and before I knew it she had whipped my vest top back to reveal my bra to Toss pot......
...... just so happens it was a leopard print bra (not one that Toss pot had seen before). Little D then looks at Toss Pot and says "Look at mummy's leopard print.......... mummy has leopard pants on too.......... mummy is wearing her smart pants......"
Oh good, I will hand it to Toss pot he just looked really embarrassed and opted not to comment.
In my head were the words to the effect of "yes I am and did I ever wear any for you, no I did not......" I am restrained though, I said nothing....
Then on Saturday we were at my parent's house and my dad comes into the kitchen saying that he hears I have leopard pants.......... Little D had made a point (a day later) of telling him as well.....
Two things I have summed up from this:
1. I do not want my dad to know what my pants are like - particularly leopard print
2. I clearly do not wear enough matching underwear for her to think it was such an important point to flag to anyone who will listen....... slightly concerned for when she goes back to school now........
Friday was no exception to this.
Took Little D to Toss pot's for the day (she was meeting his new girlfriend!). I was wearing a vest top and a cardigan (v mum like I think). Holding Little D in a big hug to say goodbye and before I knew it she had whipped my vest top back to reveal my bra to Toss pot......
...... just so happens it was a leopard print bra (not one that Toss pot had seen before). Little D then looks at Toss Pot and says "Look at mummy's leopard print.......... mummy has leopard pants on too.......... mummy is wearing her smart pants......"
Oh good, I will hand it to Toss pot he just looked really embarrassed and opted not to comment.
In my head were the words to the effect of "yes I am and did I ever wear any for you, no I did not......" I am restrained though, I said nothing....
Then on Saturday we were at my parent's house and my dad comes into the kitchen saying that he hears I have leopard pants.......... Little D had made a point (a day later) of telling him as well.....
Two things I have summed up from this:
1. I do not want my dad to know what my pants are like - particularly leopard print
2. I clearly do not wear enough matching underwear for her to think it was such an important point to flag to anyone who will listen....... slightly concerned for when she goes back to school now........
Sunday, 1 April 2012
Out on the town....
So big plans this weekend, Mable and I were hitting the town - large! Probably the first time I have hit the town in this fashion in about six years....... super excited.
New dress purchased - which in itself was a bit of a thing, I never wear a dress, but given the occasion and the weight loss I thought I would push the boat out!
So needless to say we hit the wine before we went out and then at around 8pm we were off.....
Went to a pretty lively and nice (expensive) bar and thought we would start the evening off with a cocktail. Where I live is quite affluent an area (I do not fit in!!), so most people are pretty immaculately turned out and look amazing, also, generally very slim. The good news is that the age range of people being out is quite varied so we didn't feel really "old".
Cocktail drunk, quick nip to the loo (I know but we are both mothers and so need to frequent the loo on a regular basis), walking through the super cool bar to head to the back of the building where the toilets are and Mable just completely stacks it onto both knees...which, if I am honest was quite amusing in itself but the way in which she sprang back onto two feet and carried on walking was amazing and quite possibly one of the funniest things I had ever seen (to that point), almost feline like. I had to stop walking and talking for laughing so much, even as I write this down I am laughing again at the image and I simple cannot do it justice on the blog.
So we eventually make it to the loo (once I have pulled myself together) and, because I was wearing a dress I was paranoid about coming out of the loo and it being caught up in my tights or something. I come out of the loo and as we are walking back up the stairs to the bar I say to Mable "is my dress tucked in my pants", to which she starts laughing and replied "No, but you have a load of bog roll stuck to your shoe" (which I did). FFS. This was probably a good early indication that we should not have been out.
Next bar, couple of vodkas, bit of chit chatting and some dancing, lovely time. Back into the first bar, more vodkas, more chit chatting and bit of dancing.... all lovely.
Decided we needed to move on and so went for the dodgy nightclub, which, I have to say was not as dodgy as I had first feared and we had a really great time - I will come back to that in a moment.
To get to said nightclub we had to trot down a hill, about five minutes - just a case of follow the masses. So we headed off that way just before 11. On our way out Mable decided to tell some bloke that he had bog roll stuck to his foot (which he did), good of her really....
And then she declares she needs another wee, which is tough, she will just have to wait until we get to dodgy nightclub, so off we trot laughing loudly about I have no idea what.... ( I feel people may have been looking thinking oh lord the "mothers" are out, how they would know we were mothers I have no idea). So we are talking away and and come to a small side road which we need to cross, I am walking across and suddenly become aware that Mable is not next to me, I turn round and she has walked into a stationary taxi...... this was not even a normal taxi it was a mini bus taxi and she has walked straight into it. Apparently she thought it was going to move....... this clearly set me off again....I had to go back and retrieve her and just keep walking.
Walking down the hill I then tell Mable a story I had heard in the week about someone we know who had been to a music concert and their friend had been hit in the head with some sort of a missile (now, I know what you are all thinking, usually these missiles are of a liquid capacity, but no..) a 2lb lump of Edam. Laughing again and Mable starts roaring with laughing which meant we were doubled over laughing in the street and she needed a wee (still).... we must have looked so classy. I was doing my usual laughing/crying thing that I do. We knew we had to regain composure in order to gain access to dodgy nightclub so had to stop and calm down a bit....
Composure regained and re took the plunge, into the nightclub we went. We drank and we danced and it was brilliant. Chatting to a few people and just having a laugh.
Mable decides to go off to the bar, which based on previous experiences can take about four days to return from so she (in her what only can be described as pretty shitfaced state) says to me she is off to the bar and for me to stay put, there was a girl who Mable had been dancing with when I had done my last bar trip so Mable says "you will be ok, this is Maria, she is a lesbian, she will look after you" and then before I know it she has disappeared!! Maria was really nice (no idea if she is actually a lesbian or not) but lovely, did offer to give us a lift home as she was staying until the end, however we bailed just after 2am and so opted for the taxi.
This morning was tough, Mable slept downstairs, she came upstairs at lunch time and climbed into my bed, we decided to do the only thing we could at a time like that and ordered a Dominos, I went to open the door to the delivery driver in my pyjamas and then we sat and ate it in my bed whilst watching last night's Britain's Got Talent.... feeling much better now but expecting another lull shortly....
New dress purchased - which in itself was a bit of a thing, I never wear a dress, but given the occasion and the weight loss I thought I would push the boat out!
So needless to say we hit the wine before we went out and then at around 8pm we were off.....
Went to a pretty lively and nice (expensive) bar and thought we would start the evening off with a cocktail. Where I live is quite affluent an area (I do not fit in!!), so most people are pretty immaculately turned out and look amazing, also, generally very slim. The good news is that the age range of people being out is quite varied so we didn't feel really "old".
Cocktail drunk, quick nip to the loo (I know but we are both mothers and so need to frequent the loo on a regular basis), walking through the super cool bar to head to the back of the building where the toilets are and Mable just completely stacks it onto both knees...which, if I am honest was quite amusing in itself but the way in which she sprang back onto two feet and carried on walking was amazing and quite possibly one of the funniest things I had ever seen (to that point), almost feline like. I had to stop walking and talking for laughing so much, even as I write this down I am laughing again at the image and I simple cannot do it justice on the blog.
So we eventually make it to the loo (once I have pulled myself together) and, because I was wearing a dress I was paranoid about coming out of the loo and it being caught up in my tights or something. I come out of the loo and as we are walking back up the stairs to the bar I say to Mable "is my dress tucked in my pants", to which she starts laughing and replied "No, but you have a load of bog roll stuck to your shoe" (which I did). FFS. This was probably a good early indication that we should not have been out.
Next bar, couple of vodkas, bit of chit chatting and some dancing, lovely time. Back into the first bar, more vodkas, more chit chatting and bit of dancing.... all lovely.
Decided we needed to move on and so went for the dodgy nightclub, which, I have to say was not as dodgy as I had first feared and we had a really great time - I will come back to that in a moment.
To get to said nightclub we had to trot down a hill, about five minutes - just a case of follow the masses. So we headed off that way just before 11. On our way out Mable decided to tell some bloke that he had bog roll stuck to his foot (which he did), good of her really....
And then she declares she needs another wee, which is tough, she will just have to wait until we get to dodgy nightclub, so off we trot laughing loudly about I have no idea what.... ( I feel people may have been looking thinking oh lord the "mothers" are out, how they would know we were mothers I have no idea). So we are talking away and and come to a small side road which we need to cross, I am walking across and suddenly become aware that Mable is not next to me, I turn round and she has walked into a stationary taxi...... this was not even a normal taxi it was a mini bus taxi and she has walked straight into it. Apparently she thought it was going to move....... this clearly set me off again....I had to go back and retrieve her and just keep walking.
Walking down the hill I then tell Mable a story I had heard in the week about someone we know who had been to a music concert and their friend had been hit in the head with some sort of a missile (now, I know what you are all thinking, usually these missiles are of a liquid capacity, but no..) a 2lb lump of Edam. Laughing again and Mable starts roaring with laughing which meant we were doubled over laughing in the street and she needed a wee (still).... we must have looked so classy. I was doing my usual laughing/crying thing that I do. We knew we had to regain composure in order to gain access to dodgy nightclub so had to stop and calm down a bit....
Composure regained and re took the plunge, into the nightclub we went. We drank and we danced and it was brilliant. Chatting to a few people and just having a laugh.
Mable decides to go off to the bar, which based on previous experiences can take about four days to return from so she (in her what only can be described as pretty shitfaced state) says to me she is off to the bar and for me to stay put, there was a girl who Mable had been dancing with when I had done my last bar trip so Mable says "you will be ok, this is Maria, she is a lesbian, she will look after you" and then before I know it she has disappeared!! Maria was really nice (no idea if she is actually a lesbian or not) but lovely, did offer to give us a lift home as she was staying until the end, however we bailed just after 2am and so opted for the taxi.
This morning was tough, Mable slept downstairs, she came upstairs at lunch time and climbed into my bed, we decided to do the only thing we could at a time like that and ordered a Dominos, I went to open the door to the delivery driver in my pyjamas and then we sat and ate it in my bed whilst watching last night's Britain's Got Talent.... feeling much better now but expecting another lull shortly....
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