Bridget Jones moment

There are many things which happen in life, which, at the time you wish they had not.  Some of these moments are, at the time, abhorrent, the sort where you just want the world to stop for a few seconds.......


Saturday was a beautiful example of one of these incidents.......


.....now, we will not go into the whys or the wherefores but lets just start with condoms in my handbag.  As most of you should know they all come linked together in a box and so there were two adjoined in my bag, I say two, it was actually one and an empty packet (it's ok, my mum knows about this, thought it best to tell her before I wrote it down...), again, we are not dispensing with the whys and the wherefores.....


I had "safely" deposited them in one of those neat little pockets in the inside of my bag, so there were not loose and would not just roam around in the sac magique.


And then I forgot about them...


Saturday, Little D and I went to Starbucks after doing some shopping in town, we sat down, like proper grown ups and then my phone beeped in my bag.  How wonderful I thought, so I reached into my bag to extract my phone from the phone pocket.......only, I hadn't put my phone in the phone pocket had I?  No. I had put it in the other pocket, the one with the said articles in it.....


So as I enthusiastically reached for my phone trying to look cool and popular (note to self, do not do this again), I whipped my phone out at great speed.  Out it came and out with it came the condoms.  Which was bad enough in itself but, given my over enthusiasm they flew threw the air across Starbucks and landed about 6 feet away from my table........ OH. MY. GOD....


It was at precisely this point I wanted the world to stop.


What to do.... no-one equips you to deal with these situations do they?  What the hell do I do?


In a split second various things ran through my head - I could just leave them, pretend they were not mine, which would work except a number of people had seen this incident and were currently starring open mouthed  (apart from the lady on the table next to me who had looked at the condoms on the floor, looked at me and then burst out laughing).  Plus some small child might pick them up....


So in the end, I decided I had no option, I just stood up, walked over to the offending items (I am sure it looked worse because one was an empty packet......), picked them up and returned to my table.


EVERYONE just looking at me......


Get back to the table Little D says "Mummy what are those?"......  I used the typical parent distraction method to get her to look out the window, thereby avoiding having to answer the question.


At this point, most normal people would have probably left, but no, I stayed. I smiled at the laughing lady next to me (who at this point was texting on her phone, probably to all her friends about what just happened) and sat and drank my coffee......


There is a lesson to this story....

Personal goal or utter madness?

Most of you who read this will already know that in some sort of fit of madness, a few weeks ago I entered myself into the Race for Life this year.  "Well Done" I hear (some of) you cry, and I thank you.  It does not stop there however, I could have entered to do the 5km - just over three miles - which would have been the sensible option given I am not really a runner, but no, no, why would I do that?  Instead, I have opted for the 10km - just over six miles, six miles...... of running........


I am a bit like a pendulum when I think about what lies ahead, swinging from thinking this is a great thing and how proud I am of myself to thinking it is just simply ridiculous and that I will never do it, be lucky to make it half way round.


Six months ago I would have never thought I would be doing something like this, the only time I would have used running in a sentence would be when it was followed by "a bath".


When I started seeing the PT, about four months ago, I was extremely categorical that I would not run. Not even a little bit. Not ever. And bless him, he humoured me, said it was OK and not an issue and then, after less than two months, I found myself on a treadmill. He lies.  I learnt this quite early on. He lies a lot.  For the right reasons yes, but he still lies.


And you know what, I quite like it.  Don't get me wrong, it is hard going, we do interval running and virtual each visit he increases my "quick" interval.... we are at 13kmh an hour now, which for me is just quite amazing. But I am determined, I will do this, I need to do this.


My main issue at the moment is the endurance aspect of it, I cannot run 6 miles at the moment, I would be lucky if I could run 3, so we have some work to do.  I should add that the aim is not to run the 6 miles at 13kmh - that would just be silly!  I am looking to try and break the hour though..... I am not promising that....


I do feel that having a small posse at the finishing line, brandishing glasses of wine at me may help....


I am under no illusion that there will be tears on the lead up to the run....... just humour me if you happen to be around me at that time...


In the meantime, the mission is on to get as much sponsorship as I can for Cancer Research.  I will be running for some who are no longer with us and some who are continuing the fight. x

"bit of a week"

Aside from the school and bell v face incident, this week has been a bit emotional, some good, some bad, some, just well emotional really (and no, it is not bear week)....


I will start with the most recent issue...... Hamster is MIA.  Little D is not aware of this as of yet, I have spent a lot of this afternoon on my knees in the kitchen (not as good as it sounds!) looking for the offending article but still no joy.  Spotted its escape when Toss Pot and I were talking in the kitchen, noticed one of the plastic tubes on the cage had come out, made  a strange noise and ran over to the cage..... no Hamster...... OH.


Was definitely in there this morning but is now not.  Could be anywhere.  What if the rabbit has eaten it?  I do not want to have this conversation with Little D.....  so, the Hamster SOS continues.......


Monday was my wedding anniversary.... 7 years, I would say would have been my wedding anniversary but as we are still technically married, I suppose it still is.... I did mark the occasion by sending Toss Pot a text message wishing him a Happy Anniversary, strangely, heard nothing back......  I mean it is ok and it is.  We just have a series of "firsts" to get through and I guess this was one of them.  I think it may have been more difficult than Christmas but it passed relatively uneventful so we can now cross that one off the list.


I had to go away for work this week as well which meant I did not see Little D for 4 days, which is the longest time ever I have not seen her for.  Again, it was necessary and we all survived but it added to an already stretching week.


There was also a waxing incident this week which I am debating about whether to blog about (it would be hilarious) or not, possibly, some of you will not want to know about this and so I will continue to ponder......

Saved by the bell??

Hi - sorry, it has been a while, bit of a week this week - we will come onto that in a moment.  Fortunately my "bit of a week" s keep the blog moving!


So Little D has had an incident..... phone call from school on Monday - you may remember last time school phoned she had cut a huge chunk of her hair off with a pair of scissors, so I could not wait to hear what it was this time!


Rang and spoke to the office, they explained that while they were out to play and one of the teaching assistants was ringing the bell to get them all back inside, Little D, somehow, ran full pelt into the bell as it was being rung and collided with the bell using her face......  don't even ask me how this is possible, there are naturally a few questions which sprang to mind (after I had ascertained that she was OK):


- how on earth did she manage to do this and not see the bell, after all, it makes quite a significant noise.  There can surely be no claims of not knowing it was there (which is my usual defence for any trips or falls....)


- what was the teaching assistant doing?  did she not see Little D come charging towards her?  Is this a common incident?


Office advised that she was fine but had a "bit of a line" on her face from the bell.  OK good.  They ring because they don't see us at the end of the day as she goes to Kid's Club for post school childcare.  The school therefore do not have the opportunity to have their explanations ready as we go and pick her up.


Little D was with Toss Pot that night so I emailed him to let him know what to expect.


Later that night he sent me a photo of Little D's face.  Oh. Dear.


"bit of a line"


She had a huge gash running from 2mm under her lower eye lid down the side of her face and cheekbone, lots of swelling and when the bruising came out she had a black eye and cheekbone....... "bit of a line".  She has actually been very lucky, any higher and she could have been blinded....


....she is so her mother's daughter though, I mean how anyone can do that to themselves I do not know, but then I think about what I was/am like....


The best example of this is when I was about 2.5 - 3 years.  I somehow managed to get myself a glass and as I walked out the back door I tripped over the step and glassed myself in the forehead........ trip to casualty.....


A few weeks later I was on top of a climbing frame in a friend's garden - those of you off of the 80's might remember the sort, metal frame, quite tall and narrow, flat on the top - I was up there with a friend and my big brother and all of the sudden I was not up there anymore, I was on the floor, on my head, on a concrete slab.  There is still to this day some debate as to whether I fell or was pushed, other witnesses were interrogated (4 year old brother) but no serious conclusions were drawn.  So back to casualty we went for them to sew the back of my head up this time.


In light of the fact that I was a small child with two head injuries in very quick succession, Social Services were called in (my poor parents) and had to do a home visit.  The day Social Services came round, I fell backwards through the greenhouse.  Social Services left, satisfied there were no issues with my parents. Just me.


Yep, she is definitely her mother's daughter....

Brush Off

Sent following Text Message to Bert tonight:


Hi Bert, thanks for your help with the windows yesterday. I appreciate your help but think it would be best if, now that the job has almost finished, you did not come round anymore. I have a lot of stuff to work through and things to be getting on with. if I do need any work doing on the house I will call you for a quote.




Lets see how this works....

Thick skinned

I don't even know how to start this post, I should probably have some witty remark or amusing anecdote, but I really cannot even think of anything.  I am still in recovery from what just happened...... 


...So true to his word Bert came round, however, I am slightly irritated, I was in all day and he came round when he knew I would have collected Little D from school.  She really likes him (she clearly has questionable taste).  He knows this.  So he arrives.  She knows it is him before I even open the door.  I clearly cannot now not open the door.  She runs at him and gives him a hug.  Oh Jesus.


Comes in with some sort of electric current tool just to check the power supply to the living room light before he takes it away to be fixed (power supply is fine by the way, and yet the light is still there.....).  Made him cup of tea, felt I should, he had come to do the light and while he was here I got him to sort the windows (I know, slight abuse of power there on my part) - Little D was caught this morning half hanging out of my bedroom window  [suicide windows] so I needed to get them locked on the hinges so they only opened so far, when it comes to self preservation for me or Little D not falling out the window, she comes first.


And then the comments just started, I can't even be doing with telling the entire story - I will just provide the edited highlights....


Making Tea:


Could not recall if Bert had sugar in his tea or not so obviously asked.  Bert replies (with his hand on my shoulder) - "There are so many men in your house you cannot remember which is which can you?"


No Bert, it is just every time you have been I try and erase it from my memory....


Whilst doing the windows:


Bert: "Of course I will do all these things for you as I now have competition"
Me: "I was not aware of any competition....."


Bert: "I realise I need to up my game now an architect is involved" (Mr Nice is a chartered surveyor)
Me: "Not aware of any game..."


Bert: "of course you are the only woman in my life, the other women who are clients are all 65 +"


I pointed out that I am not actually client


Little D: "Why do you come here?" (love this child)


Bert: "Because we were working next door and mummy let us use the drive and now I just keep turning up like a bad penny"


You said it


Whilst just being here:


He points out he knows what wine I drink because he sees it in my recycling bin......... he looks in my recycling bin?????


Says I can just call on him as he is useful and has just proved this by the windows...... for the love of god


Says he will bring some things for Little D, I said no need to do that, he says oh I know no need but want to.


Says he will come back on Saturday morning and help strip the wall paper in the spare room (can see half of the wallpaper is off wall when he fixed window), I said no need, I am on it, he says he can do it in half a day.  I am like NO.


Now I have lost the plot and he says he is coming back on Saturday to do something but I am not even sure what, maybe he is stripping the wallpaper or maybe it is something else??  who knows.


All the while I am texting Mr Nice telling him who is here, he thinks it is hilarious, said it sounds like I have a great guy there, I responded with" funny how I don't see it like that"


He was more concerned that I had not given Bert the "good" coffee - which of course I had not...


It appears to have gone from almost brilliant - because I thought he had gone - to even worse than before.  It seems mentioning Mr Nice as a deterrent has had the exact opposite effect and made it even worse, he is so determined and thick skinned...any serious offers of help now taken....

Epic Fail

Someone asked me in the pub on Friday how the Bert situation was going.  I was immensely smug as I said that I thought he had gone, no contact for over a week and a half.  Message has been received and understood.  The friend in the pub sniggered and suggested that this was not likely to be the case and that as Bert is a persistent bugger, he will be back.....  I practically laughed in his face, my confidence that after five weeks of failing, I had finally managed to resolve the situation.  


I would like to extend a massive apology to this friend, after, it would seem, laughing in their face was premature and, they were indeed right after all......


What makes me laugh particularly about this is that earlier on I even predicted my own downfall, I knew this would happen but yet was so ultra confident that he had gone.


So imagine my dismay (I think an "F" word may have featured) when, during Saturday afternoon, I was on the telephone to my mum, half watching out the living room window as Mr Nice was coming to collect me for date number 2.  All of a sudden: 


Me:   "Oh my god, I just cannot believe it"
Mum:  "What?"
Me:  "Guess who has just turned up?"
Mum: "Oh..... it's not Mr Nice is it?"
Me: "No"
Mum: "Bert? - laughs a lot"
Me: "OK I have to go and deal with this, Mr Nice due here in 10 minutes...."


Bert had pulled up outside of the house and then, brazen as anything had let himself into the back garden to apparently "check the building"... yeah whatever...


And then he knocked on the door.  Now, I was acutely aware of two things:


1.  Mr Nice was arriving imminently and I did not want their paths to cross.  Mr Nice is aware (and very amused) of the Bert situation, but still.....


2.  Because of said meet with Mr Nice I had made quite a bit of an effort and did not want Bert to get the wrong idea by this...


Bert started the conversation by asking what I had been up to, I responded with a comment along the lines of  'have been quite busy', to which Bert said : "I know you have because when I have been by you have not been here....."  OK........


Bert asked what specifically I had been doing.  I said "working, time with Little D oh and I had a date last weekend (go me) and in fact, he will be here in a few minutes"


Bert; looked quite shocked by this (not sure if I should be insulted, does he not think I am capable of getting a date or is this because he thinks we are having a baby [see previous blogs])


Bert kind of glossed over it for a moment, decided to tell me how busy he had been, how his daughter was in trouble as she had been out until 4am (she is 18) and how one of her friends had asked Bert out as he 'looks so young and is so cool'....uh huh..... Bert reassures me he is not interested in 20 year old girl.  And I care why?


Bert then asks me about Mr Nice, gave a small outline and not much else.


Bert then asks about Mable and what she was up to the other week [see previous blogs], I said nothing and that Mable was just saying what she thought.  Bert said that Mable had asked if he was fishing and if he had other house wives (my recollection of this is slightly different, but hey), he again reassured me that he had told Mable that he had no interest in any other women..... ah.....


Bert then went on to say "tell Mable that you have told me you have a date and that I am insanely jealous" - I think this is his way of telling me he is jealous - well, you missed your boat really didn't you because you never asked me out, not that I would have said yes, but then you know this....


So I just said "OK I will let her know"


He eventually left and literally as he pulled off Mr Nice pulled up.


God knows what the neighbours will think, they are all lovely but like a bit of curtain twitching, they will be aware of Bert rocking up a number of times and today, it almost looked like a revolving door effect, one out one in.... for my life


Oh and Bert wants to come back on Tuesday to fix my light, I might tell him Mr Nice and I are an item (we are not, but he will not know that)


I may just keep the curtains closed....


Must remind myself never to be smug cow again....