Thick skinned

I don't even know how to start this post, I should probably have some witty remark or amusing anecdote, but I really cannot even think of anything.  I am still in recovery from what just happened...... 


...So true to his word Bert came round, however, I am slightly irritated, I was in all day and he came round when he knew I would have collected Little D from school.  She really likes him (she clearly has questionable taste).  He knows this.  So he arrives.  She knows it is him before I even open the door.  I clearly cannot now not open the door.  She runs at him and gives him a hug.  Oh Jesus.


Comes in with some sort of electric current tool just to check the power supply to the living room light before he takes it away to be fixed (power supply is fine by the way, and yet the light is still there.....).  Made him cup of tea, felt I should, he had come to do the light and while he was here I got him to sort the windows (I know, slight abuse of power there on my part) - Little D was caught this morning half hanging out of my bedroom window  [suicide windows] so I needed to get them locked on the hinges so they only opened so far, when it comes to self preservation for me or Little D not falling out the window, she comes first.


And then the comments just started, I can't even be doing with telling the entire story - I will just provide the edited highlights....


Making Tea:


Could not recall if Bert had sugar in his tea or not so obviously asked.  Bert replies (with his hand on my shoulder) - "There are so many men in your house you cannot remember which is which can you?"


No Bert, it is just every time you have been I try and erase it from my memory....


Whilst doing the windows:


Bert: "Of course I will do all these things for you as I now have competition"
Me: "I was not aware of any competition....."


Bert: "I realise I need to up my game now an architect is involved" (Mr Nice is a chartered surveyor)
Me: "Not aware of any game..."


Bert: "of course you are the only woman in my life, the other women who are clients are all 65 +"


I pointed out that I am not actually client


Little D: "Why do you come here?" (love this child)


Bert: "Because we were working next door and mummy let us use the drive and now I just keep turning up like a bad penny"


You said it


Whilst just being here:


He points out he knows what wine I drink because he sees it in my recycling bin......... he looks in my recycling bin?????


Says I can just call on him as he is useful and has just proved this by the windows...... for the love of god


Says he will bring some things for Little D, I said no need to do that, he says oh I know no need but want to.


Says he will come back on Saturday morning and help strip the wall paper in the spare room (can see half of the wallpaper is off wall when he fixed window), I said no need, I am on it, he says he can do it in half a day.  I am like NO.


Now I have lost the plot and he says he is coming back on Saturday to do something but I am not even sure what, maybe he is stripping the wallpaper or maybe it is something else??  who knows.


All the while I am texting Mr Nice telling him who is here, he thinks it is hilarious, said it sounds like I have a great guy there, I responded with" funny how I don't see it like that"


He was more concerned that I had not given Bert the "good" coffee - which of course I had not...


It appears to have gone from almost brilliant - because I thought he had gone - to even worse than before.  It seems mentioning Mr Nice as a deterrent has had the exact opposite effect and made it even worse, he is so determined and thick skinned...any serious offers of help now taken....